To:
His Excellency the President Moustache of Rajapakistan

(no qualifications)

through the Secretary, Ministry of Defence,
Public Security, Law and Order
Presidential Secretariat,
Weerawila

From:　

General G S C Gonseka RWP, RSPCA, VSOA USB HTML
General Almighty of Rajapakistan Army
Punchi Borella HQ
Near Hotel Du Roi

12 November 2009

Ado Your Idiocy..er..I mean Excellency

REQUEST TO RETIRE FROM THE REGULAR FORCE OF THE SRI RAJAPAKISTAN ARMY EKA

I, General G S C Fonseka RWP RSPCA VSOA USB HTML rcds psc presently serving as the Chief of Defence Staff, Living God of The Sinha Regiment eka, was enlisted to the Ceylon Army on 05th Feb 1970 and was commissioned on the 01st June 1971. That was a long, long, long time ago and at that time you were a little nariya [fox] wearing short trousers and you had no moustache. I grew my moustache first!

On the 6th Dec 2005 due to the trust and confident placed on me, Your Idiocy..er I mean Your Excellancy, was kind enough to promote me to the rank of Lieutenant General and appoint me as the Commander of the Army in an era when the Country was embroiled with the menace of a bloody terrorism and was in a stalemate state after having totally buggered up politically or otherwise for over 25 years without a success.

During my command of 3 years and 7 months, the Sri Lanka Army managed to eradicate Uncle Prabhakaran's terrorist movement having apprehended an unbelievable stock of arms and munitions, whiskey, gin, vodka, sherry, kotta kelengu and decisively defeating the LTTE and its leadership, which Your Idiocy is obviously aware of. I would not be exaggerating to state that I was instrumental in leading the Army to this historic victory, of course with Your Idiocy’s political support, which helped to materialize this heroic action. Of Course, like yourself, I mostly sat in my office reading the Daily Pol-Thel.

I am compelled to believe that Your Idiocy and the Government has lost your trust and faith bestowed upon me for reasons best known to Your Idiocy. Hence as the senior most serving military officer in the Country with 40 years of service, such a situation does not warrant a continuation of my duties any longer, thereby I have the honour to request that I be permitted to terminate my services and retire from the Regular Force of the Army with effect from 01st December 2009.

Furthermore I have the honour to request that on retirement Your Excellency...I mean Idiocy, would be kind enough to grant me sufficient security which includes trained combat soldiers, a suitable vehicle with sufficient protection (Bullet proof) and escort vehicles for my conveyances due to the fact that I am considered as one of the highest priority targets by the LTTE, which they are yet capable of achieving .

All you have bloody given me is a Bajaj three-wheeler painted in camouflage colours, a sarong-johnny-type driver and a cheap plastic gun which goes "BANG,BANG, I shot the Sheriff..Sha,La! La! La!" and flashes coloured lights and Made in Taiwan. Furthermore, adding insult to insult, I had to buy two AA batteries to play with the gun that you gave me. I used to have a better cap pistol eka when I was a schoolboy!

Furthermore, you have deliberately painted a target on the front of my three-wheeler with the words "Shoot This Guy"

I appreciate your gift of 1000 two-and-a-half-inch plastic model soldiers for me to play with and a copy of "Wargaming on Nintendo" but I want proper bodyguards.

I regret having had the honour to be
Your Idiocy’s
Obedient Servant G S C FONSEKA RWP RSP VSV USP rcds psc
General
Chief of Defence Staff

PS: Love Don't take it too personally. Send me an occasional SMS or e-mail.


FACTORS AFFECTING MY RETIREMENT FROM THE ARMY EKA

1. Various agencies (i.e. your idiot brother Gotha) misleading Your Excellency...Idiocy, by stating a possible coup immediately after the victory over the LTTE which obviously led to a change of command in spite of my request to be in command until the Army celebrated its 60th Anniversary. This fear psychosis of a coup is well known among the defence circle.

I was particularly taken aback when you pronounced "Coup" as "Coop", instead of "Coo", on State Television! (Ha! Ha! Ha! idiot! Mottaya!) And you tried to call in the Stinking Indian Army Eka, Neda? You scared of me no? Ha! Ha! Ha!

2. Whilst I was away overseas you moved my desk, hid my favourite tea mug with the emblem of the Sinha Regiment, hung a framed picture of Micky Mouse on my office wall and wrote "Ado! Army Boy!" with a felt-tipped pen on my office door! That was very, very, bad, no?

When I came back, my office staff were laughing uncontrollably! This was very humiliating for me. I would have prefered a picture of Garfield or Daffy Duck instead of Micky Mouse. I want my tea mug back! I also resented the fact that you often addressed me as "Ado Nariya!" [Hey Foxy!] in front of my staff!

3. Two of the so called special award bravery badges that you gave me were cut out by yourself out of an old Coca Cola can and carries the legend "Coca-Cola Corporation". Another one carries the words "Pepsi". You also gave me a "Ronald McDonald" badge. (I am returning the aluminium foil Sheriff's star with the words "High Noon" but I am keeping the rest!)

4. Also during my absences from the Country (23 Oct 2009 to 5 Nov 2009) being on overseas leave, the Army Headquarters was bold enough to change the security personnel deployed at the AHQ Main Entrance and the Ministry of Defence emphasizing the withdrawal of the Sinha Regiment troops who were attached to me, as you are aware is my parent regiment and supplementing them with other regimental personnel. They were supplanted by "Army" Ranjith and "Kudu Lal", two local thugs.

5. I asked you to appoint my old school friend Major General G A Chandrasiri as the Commander of the Army who was the then Chief of Staff but you went and appointed one of your friends General "Kaludodol" [Black muffin] Deshapremiya.

It is with sadness that I note that the ordinary Army which I toiled to transform into a highly professional outfit is now loosing its way. Increased desertions, lack of enthusiasm to enlist (A drop in enlistment rate by 50% is recorded), disciplinary problems on advocating divided commands indicates an unprofessional organization in the offing. During the last two months the members deserted are higher than the recruitment.
All thish is becos you stop our whisky supplies and substituted it with Dankotuwa Speshul Kassippu [Sri Lanka’s brand of moonshine liquor] coloured with plain tea.